I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
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He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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