you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
