He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
