Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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