New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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