I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
