my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
