i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
and she was petting her beer can
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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