I seem to have left my pride at pride
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
