: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
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and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
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Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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