theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize