I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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