I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
