is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
