this boner is exhausting
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
