Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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