I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
