Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Houston, we have a squirter
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
