so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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