fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
