oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
