My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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