Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
