He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
