Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
