I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
