I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
