I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
