that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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