its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
