All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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