I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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