Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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