Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
