Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Randomize
