I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
