I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
