Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
