when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
