if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
