Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
