This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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