I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
