it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
