Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
