I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize