I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
