and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
