I'm going to jail i love you
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
