Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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