My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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