you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
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I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
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You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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