that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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