That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
