what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
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Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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