Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
