You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
