Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
