I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
