Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
