I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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